Moving in with your partner is an exciting step in any relationship. But once the newness of it wears off and you’ve decorated what feels like every corner of your home with sage-green decor, that’s when the roommate phase may kick in.
Just as the name suggests, the roommate phase is when your partner starts feeling less like someone you want to have sex with and more like someone you share a WiFi password with. Sure, you may cohabitate well together — you do the dishes, they take out the trash; they pay rent, you pay utilities — but you also haven’t felt a spark or made out with each other in ages.
For many people, this is why they may opt for an LAT relationship versus a more traditional style. But for those of you who either can’t afford to live separately from your partner or simply don’t want to, the roommate phase doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship or sex life.
“Most long-term couples do go through a roommate phase at some point in their relationship, but once it happens, you don’t have to accept that this is always how things are going to be,” relationship expert Nicole Moore says. To help, Moore shares tips below on how to get out of the roommate phase so you can start seeing your partner as more than someone to watch Netflix with.
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Nicole Moore is a relationship therapist and founder of the “Love Works Method,” a program that has helped people find lasting love fast.
What Is the Roommate Phase?
The roommate phase is a period of time when your partner begins to feel more like a roommate than someone you’re actually in a relationship with. “This phase is usually marked by little to no physical intimacy, lack of emotional connection or deep conversations, and falling into a predictable and monotonous routine,” Moore says.
For some couples, they slip into the comfort of the relationship and stop dating each other because they think they already know everything there is to know about one another. “You can tell you’ve entered the roommate phase with your partner when you don’t feel a spark with them and you feel more like friends living together rather than romantic partners,” Moore adds.
In some cases, the roommate phase is unavoidable. Many couples fall into it after having a child or experiencing added stress from work, friends, or family. This can cause some couples to “feel exhausted and like a romantic connection is the last thing on their mind,” Moore says.
For other couples, they may slip into the roommate phase when they’ve been together for a while and aren’t having sex as often as they used to.
How to Get Out of the Roommate Phase
The first step to getting out of the roommate phase is admitting that you are in the roommate phase. “Couples can sadly stay in the roommate phase for years when both parties are afraid to communicate,” Moore says. But getting out of the roommate phase requires you to have the tough conversations with your partner to understand why you’re in the roommate phase in the first place.
Once you’ve established that you feel like you’re in the roommate phase, it’s time to start changing your routine. “One of the best ways to get out of the roommate phase is to make dates a priority and commit to doing a romantic or fun activity together outside of the house once per week or as often as you can manage,” Moore says. If you have the budget for it, a vacation is also a great way to reignite your relationship. (There are few things good vacation sex can’t fix.)
But even if you can’t afford a trip to Europe or a few states away, finding something new to do with your partner is a great way to create new memories together. “New experiences can spark that novelty factor often needed for romance to spark,” Moore adds.
It may also be helpful to seek couples therapy if you feel like you can’t escape the roommate phase. “Sometimes couples get into the roommate phase due to unprocessed resentments or hurt that they’ve swept under the rug, so a great way to begin getting out of that phase is to actually communicate and address the root cause of the emotions head on,” Moore says.
At the end of the day, the roommate phase is a normal experience that most couples find themselves in at one point in their relationship. But the couples who do break out of the roommate phase do it by challenging themselves to continue dating their partner.
If you feel like your partner is resistant to change, though — even after you’ve communicated with your partner how unhappy you are — it may be time to consider leaving the relationship. But if both you and your partner are willing to work on the relationship, the roommate phase may be a great time to remind yourselves why you love each other in the first place.
Taylor Andrews is a Balance editor at PS who specializes in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, and more.